I need to talk to these people and don’t have much time. Hello, what’s this? Hmmm, it says chat with our virtual assistant. Oh, what could it hurt; ok, I’ll try that.

Bozo: Hello, I’m Bozo, your virtual assistant. How can I help you today?

You: I have a problem with a deposit.

Bozo: I don’t understand.

You: Deposit! I have a question about a deposit.

Bozo: You wish to make a deposit. Is that right?

You: NO! I already made a deposit and I don’t see the money in my account.

Bozo: You wish to open a new account. Is that right?

You: NO!

Bozo: Please press one to continue.

You: Click.

Bozo: Please press one for Spanish, please press two for Tasmanian, please press three for Russian, please press four for Greek, please press five for Jamaican, please press six for Chinese, please press seven for Japanese, please press eight for Madagascan, please press nine for German, please press ten for French.

You: English! We speak English in America!

Bozo: I’m sorry. I don’t understand.

You: What do I get when I press eleven?

Bozo: That would be English.

You: Ahhhhhg! Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?

Bozo: I’m sorry. I don’t understand.

You: Holy Shit!

Bozo: Please say the country of your origin.

You: America.

Bozo: Please say your nationality. Press one for black, press two for yellow, press three for red, press four for green, press five for purple with white stripes, press six for green with purple stripes, press seven for pink with blue stripes, press eight for orange with fur, please press nine for more than three legs, please press ten to repeat these options.

You: What the fuck?

Bozo: I don’t understand.

You: I don’t understand.

Bozo: Would you like to speak with a representative?

You: YES!

Bozo: Wait times are longer than usual. Press one to continue.

You: Click.

Bozo: Hello, I’m Bozo, your virtual assistant. How can I help you today?

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