From space, our planet looks like a water world. Everyone loves coming here because it is a paradise to them compared to the rigors of daily off-planet life.

“On Earth, you can grow your food anywhere you like,” they say. “You should count your blessings,” they say. “Why would you ever let those idiots rule over you,” they say. Well, after hearing this, I knew it would be a good night when I got home from work. “Why do we work anyway,” I thought.

My name is Fred Stahl and my family loves good food from the ground. We’re dirt farmers, I guess. I know hydroponics but recent trials told me there would be a little more setup to it here in Yuma seeing how we have river water… Colorado River sediments and minerals that will not pH balance so easily. I’ll be setting that up this coming winter along with some new landscaping. I’m beginning work on a small pond in the morning. Some time ago I found an old horse water trough, made of hard, black, ABS plastic. It is about 5 feet long and roughly 30” wide and all I have to do is dig a big hole and fit things together. I’ve always been good with stuff like that. The pond will feature a small solar-powered fountain in the middle and will be backlit with colored lights. That way when we’re out on the patio with our beer and broccoli, the garden will entertain us.

That is, will entertain us along with the United States Marine Corps local MAS Yuma. When I’m out in my garden, I feel very safe. Let’s see, tonight we have overhead the McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 Hornets, the Harrier Jump Jets featuring their V/STOL ability, and of course the star of our show, the Bell Boing V22 Osprey, and a rich variety of rotorcraft but I digress.

The thing is, we live on a very rich planet and there is never going to be any reason we have to buy anything at Walmart. People who come here always have a long list in their pockets. A list of all the vegetables and herbs they want to grow. It does shine a huge light on how far off the track we stupid humans have gotten. Why just last week, I was hanging with a very close and personal friend of mine from Aries Prime on his lightship which was parked over at the airport, and found Ed just standing there looking straight up at his overhead panel.

“Whacha looking at buddy,” I asked as I walked in.

“Oh, hi Freddy, just checking the outside atmospheric readings. Do you realize how much your atmosphere has been depleted?” he asked. “1500 years ago, it was pure nitrogen, oxygen, with just a smidge of Argon and it was crystal clear. You could see for miles. Now, it’s nothing like that. How did you humans do this to your planet?” he muttered.

“Well,” I answered, “You know about the great Itchy Smiley Party agenda, right? They run this planet and their wonderful council thinks that life is all about money. Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t use money do you?” At which time Ed looked straight at me and smiled that womanizing charming smile of his.

“That reminds me,” he said. “I wanted to ask you why do you think it is that you have to pay to live on the planet you were born on?”

I wasn’t surprised by Ed’s question. I really wish I knew the answer to that one but what I told him was, “Ya got a minute buddy? Cus this may take a while to explain.” I pulled up a chair and Ed sat down in his pilot seat. “I know this is going to sound whacky but it’s the truth. The Itchy Smiley Party tells us that we gotta keep using internal combustion cars cus they own all the gas stations, but then they tell us we gotta switch to electric vehicles cus we are ruining the planet. While you’re thinking about those ridiculous statements let me continue. They organize wars and then fund both sides so whoever wins doesn’t matter as long as they buy the weapons from them. Them being the Itchy Smiley Party of course. They also own Big Pharma who wants us to stay sick so they can keep selling us their poison pills. You’re right. It’s all about money.

The Itchy Smiley Party couldn’t care less about growing all your own food or herbs. The Itchy Smiley Party wants us to agree to a one-world government and they think their wonderful Uncouth Nations (UN) should be in charge of everything and everyone. Can you imagine some Chinese soldiers on every street corner telling us what to do and what not to do? We Americans? No, I didn’t think so, and neither can we.

You know how we humans think of cows, well I’m pretty sure that’s how they think of us. They are way off base on that one though; America is a unified and heavily armed group of highly like-minded individuals and I do mean individuals. Ed, I will tell you this right now; if they try anything, they will be extremely sorry. Here in the USA, we represent the largest standing army on the globe. We don’t advertise it much, actually not at all but we all know it. We are a dangerous bunch for certain. Well, the Itchy Smiley Party can keep on itchin and keep on smilin cus they ain’t never going to get over on us. One of these days brother…. One of these days! You know they’re all empathy-free lizards, right? We really need to cancel em… Oops! I’ve said too much.”

Ed just stared at me for a full minute before he spoke. “So, you just put up with that crap? You lot really are fucked up aren’t you,” he moaned.

“Yep, that’s why I love talking to you buddy. You keep me centered.”

I just couldn’t stop thinking about that view from space and how everyone out there loves our planet more than we do. At least if we all take a bit of the responsibility that’s how it seems.

“Okay Ed, let me give it to you straight. The Itchy Smiley Party has us all stupid. Most of us were just brought up listening to their crap and even today, some of us believe it. The majority of us want control of our own lives and to be rid of them. Not so easy to do that though because there is much fear and most of us just want to live in peace and be left alone with our beer and broccoli.

“I think they have some very powerful ET friends and those friends have easy planet-killing tech. You know, ‘the humans are the little killers, and let’s just take em out.’ That’s what they call us… The Little Killers and for obvious reasons. In a nutshell, we are a violent, barbaric, emotional, vengeful, and hateful little race of assholes! Well, not me and the people I know; in fact, not the majority of us but from space, and if they tune in to our so-called “news” stations, it certainly appears that way. The few morons spoil it for the silent majority. You know, the “one bad apple” theory. Anyways, I guess if the shoe fits you know; they ain’t wrong. Let’s see, the history of humans…. Kings killed everyone who crossed them, even killed their wives when they wanted a new one; you would have thought they could have come up with something like divorce way back then but nooooo! Just about all the countries put up walls and then shot, burned, and stuck fire-arrows into each other. Tyrants right up to this day keep popping up saying they want to control the world. Why “Tears for Fears” even wrote a song about it way back in the 80s.”

I continued, “The thing is a lot of good people… uh, life forms who we would love to be with just won’t come here. It’s obvious to the lot of em that we humans are just a bunch of bloodletting idiots so why would they want any part of THAT? They wouldn’t and they don’t so here we are on Earth, under the boot-heels of the Itchy Smiley Party and that’s just the way it is.

It’s a pity you guys won’t help us you know.” I told Ed who by now was just staring at me with his mouth hanging open.”

“We can’t,” he answered. “The Galactic Council has rules and one of em is don’t help the humans. Well, it’s written with a lot of sweet-smelling prose but that’s the jest of it so no, we can’t do that. We can’t change anything you humans do or we get into some deep caca if you know what I mean Freddy,” he said with a sad look in his eyes.

So, of all the things I love to grow, the Itchy Smiley Party makes Broccoli illegal. I mean come on man, what’s the harm in eating a little broccoli with some nice butter on it? None that I can see but oh how they love collecting their revenues. Why just last week a friend of mine got pulled over and the cops found some broccoli under his seat. They fucking handcuffed him and dragged him off to jail! For having fucking broccoli in his car man! It’s okay to have Okra, Kale, and Cucumbers but they have a thing about broccoli. We grow herbs like Thyme, Basel, Cannabis, Hemp, Mint, and Rosemary but we must never grow broccoli! It’s just not allowed!

And that’s after we explain over and over to them the clearly defined benefits of broccoli. As it happens, broccoli is a good source of fiber and protein and contains iron, potassium, calcium, selenium, and magnesium as well as vitamins A, C, E, K, and a good array of B vitamins including folic acid. It couldn’t be any more clearly defined than that now, could it?